I Won't Lie To You Anymore
by Akane Arihyoshi
Summary: I want to know if you would forgive me. After everything that happened, everything I felt. It's unfair not to tell you what I did. After all, it was for you. AkuRoku.


**Title:** I Won't Lie To You Again

**Author:** Akane Arihyoshi (Well, actually, Axel is kind of the author of this one. But I actually wrote it since he's a fictional character. Yeah.)

**Disclaimer:** So what? You gonna sue me, fangirl?

* * *

I always knew I really liked Roxas.

In fact, that was one of the first things I ever told the kid. He'd just finished insulting my appearance. We've been inseparable ever since. It's really funny how those things work out sometimes.

I don't think, in the entire history of nobodies, there's ever been a pair that just worked so well together as Roxas and I did. I'm probably wrong, but that's what it felt like._ Felt_ like. Well, whatever. I'll give up the exact truth of nobodies for the sake of being able to describe it.

Someone once said that the world is a nasty place to be without a best friend. I don't know if what they said rings true in other worlds, but in ours it definitely does. Even among our allies, it's a horrible place to be. Maybe God took pity on me and made Roxas. Maybe Sora stabbed himself through the heart with a keyblade in a selfless act to save his little girlfriend, therefore creating his own nobody. No, wait. That's what actually happened. But hey, when Sora stabbed the heck out of himself, he didn't just save Kairi.

Do you know how tedious the Organization gets sometimes? It doesn't just run on its own. You'd think the dusks would be a help, but they aren't. Don't even listen to us, except Roxas, and he refuses to boss them around. But Roxas helps everything go smoothly. Even Xemnas has no idea how we managed without him.

So, basically, Roxas is a god-send in every way possible. Have I mentioned that yet? He is. Was. Am I speaking in past or present tense about Roxas? Does anyone care? We all know that my element is fire, not words. That's Zexion's job.

Speaking of elements, do you know what Roxas' is? Light. I thought that would just drive Xemnas crazy, seeing as he's got control of darkness and all, but it didn't. Xemnas was just pleased as punch (am I allowed to say that and not sound gay?) when he found out that Roxas wielded the keyblade, so he really didn't give a damn about what element he had to go with it. But seriously. I always used to joke around about it, telling him that he must be something really special, with that element. Really a good little nobody, deep down inside. I always meant it too, even if I never let him know. Finally his inner-emo snapped and he rattled off something about how the closer you get to the light, the larger your shadow becomes. I stopped teasing him about it for a while after that.

But that's just what made Roxas…_Roxas._ He was just _like_ that.

You know, the kid always had this uncanny knack of being too cute to do any harm to. He used to annoy the superiors to no end. Of course, I did too, but I never got away with it. He _always_ did. They'd take one look at him, melt into this puddle of invertebrate goo, and then let him be on his merry way. It always amazed me. Still does. I probably still wouldn't be able to figure it out, if I hadn't experienced it first hand. But god, that kid was really hard to stay mad at.

It showed most prominently when he was around Xigbar. You know, I was always kind of scared of Xigbar. After this I'll deny it to the day I die, but I really was. But Roxas…he would just give Xigbar this _look_, this total stare that said "You aren't going to get away with any of this shit, and I'm going to personally make sure of that". If anyone else had given Xigbar a look like that, they would have been gone before you could say "Kingdom Hearts". But not Roxas. Xigbar would just laugh at him, ruffle his hair, and walk on past him. One time Xigbar told me idly that he had always wondered if, one day, when Sora and he finally fought, he'd get that same look that Roxas gave him on a different person's face. Maybe he will.

But anyway, I guess that's part of what drew him to such delinquency. Little known fact: When Sora was younger, he learned how to pick locks. He swore it would be a great skill for his future teenage life. Another little known fact: Apparently, weird skills like that carry through when you become a nobody. It's amazing, but the keyblade doesn't unlock a lot of the doors in the Castle That Never Was.

So get learning, kiddos. Never know when you might have to use it, you know?

Anyway, that kid could do some of the craziest stuff I've ever seen. He could just…do it, without any practice or anything. I asked him how he did it one day, after we had finished a particularly good prank. He shrugged, and said that he was born with it. Said maybe his other had learned it. I dunno. I've met Sora, and he really doesn't seem like that kind of person. But hey, who knows, really?

I always took the blame for whatever we did. Roxas would try, but I got really good at aiming my foot just right on his so that, with a little pressure on his overly large shoe, it really hurt whenever he opened his mouth. I didn't know why I did it at the time. He'd just end up helping me with my punishments anyway, because he was such a nice kid. Not to mention that the Superior already knew that he'd been a part of it. But I forced him to keep him mouth shut.

You know, around his first year anniversary there is when it got really bad. Well, not bad, I guess. Maybe it just got really good. But we were literally inseparable. Anytime anyone mentioned either of us, it was always together. Axel _and _Roxas. Roxas _and _Axel. I swear, we weren't even separate entities anymore. We were each other. Zexion even admitted one day that he couldn't tell us apart by our scent anymore. We just had one special mixed smell.

We went on at least one mission a day in the Organization. All of us did. But I used to get in such a bad mood when Roxas and I weren't working together that finally Xemnas made us permanent partners. I can remember getting that news, that we'd almost never have to separate, and seeing the look on Roxas's face, his eyes lit up, and his smile…it blew me away. It's one of my favorite memories.

We always did every mission together, from then on. Xemnas never went back on his word.

That is, not until Castle Oblivion.

We'd heard that Sora had plans to go there. You know, I really don't know where Xemnas gets his information. We probably knew he was going to be there before he did. But hey, we heard about it first, and that's all that mattered to Xemnas.

He told us about it during a meeting. You know, one of those long-winded things in the big, white room, on the chairs that have you feeling like if you look down you're going to decorate the white floor with your breakfast. But he just went on and on, about how the Organization needed to stick together to defeat Sora and his pets, the duck and the dog. Marluxia said some things about how it wouldn't be hard to get rid of them, and he and Xemnas talked over the pros and cons of it all for an hour, at least. God, it was so boring.

Then Xemnas announced that he had decided the members that would go to Castle Oblivion for a month. Before he said their names, he assured us that, were we sent, we would be allowed to come back and visit if we weren't busy.

Of course, at this point, if was fairly confident that I was staying right where I was. Roxas and I were partners. The whole point of the expedition was to eradicate Sora from our midst, and Roxas wasn't supposed to know about him in the first place.

Then Xemnas called my name. I looked up and responded vaguely. Xemnas, with a sigh, repeated his last sentence.

Well, lookie there. I was going to Castle Oblivion for a month, wasn't I?

And, hey. I couldn't tell Roxas?

It was decided by the council that I could at least tell Roxas where I was going, and that I'd be allowed to come back every other night to live here half time, so long as I returned to Oblivion in the morning. You see, Roxas wasn't at that meeting. He'd asked me earlier why he couldn't come, since I'm one of the higher numbers after the original six. I told him not to complain, because he didn't have to sit through Xemnas's speech like the rest of us.

So, totally dejected, I went back to Roxas's room to break the news to him.

He took it pretty well. I mean, he didn't storm off to go kill Xemnas, or anything. He just sort of sighed, sat on his bed, and looked extremely reminiscent of a kicked puppy. It was hard to watch. I told him I could visit every other night, but he just shook his head sadly. "That's still not enough, and you know it, Axel," he said. I don't think I'll ever forget that.

Real, pure evidence that Roxas really cared and wanted me around. It felt…there are no words to describe how wonderful it felt.

So after a week, I was off to Castle Oblivion. A quick trip there through the portals, really, so it hardly felt very far. I tried to cheat once, and come back home to visit before I was allowed to, but I found out that Xemnas had been anticipating this. He had dusks patrolling the corridors of darkness, and I nearly ran into one. So I had to settle with the every other night deal.

Which sucked. You know how every damn thing in the whole Castle is white? So are the rooms. And the beds, and every bit of furniture everywhere. No exceptions. I mean, I have no idea how Naminé does it all the time. I would go crazy. I almost did. Even if Roxas hadn't given me ample motivation to go back to the World That Never Was, I would have. The beds were the most uncomfortable things I've ever touched. Sleeping there every other night was hell.

Then Marluxia screwed up.

He screwed up big. He decided that he would be a better leader than Xemnas. Which, on its own, wouldn't really have been that bad. I bet even Demyx thinks he could be a better leader than Xemnas sometimes. But Marluxia acted on it. Like the arrogant bastard he is.

Larxene went along with it for her own amusement. I honestly don't if she did it for something to do, a deep sense of respect for Marluxia, for the thrill of being part of a rebellion, or for some sick combination of all three. I kind of don't care.

Then I started making my own screw ups. Big time. Number one mistake: I told Xemnas.

Don't get me wrong, he was totally happy that I told him. Or, you know. He would have been. If he wasn't a nobody. Besides, even if he allowed himself to have feelings, I bet they would have been preoccupied with plotting Marluxia's immediate annihilation.

But being the rational, logic-centered weirdo he is, he just kind of looked at me like I should already know the solution. "It's obvious, isn't it?" he asked me coldly, staring me down. "You have to infiltrate the group and be a spy for me. I can keep tabs on what they're doing…through you."

I wasn't too pleased with this solution. Understandably, of course. Because who likes being a spy on people that they know can kill them in a heartbeat with no possible reason? Clinically insane people. Yeah, not my dream job, thanks. Maybe next life.

"What's in it for me?" I asked cautiously. Xemnas thought for a good two seconds, and then smiled in that creepy 'You're just a pawn in my little plan' way.

"I up your visitation to every night."

This got my attention really fast.

And there I was, a total double-agent.

It's confusing to me now. I'm amazed I managed to last as long as I did, with my role as the spy. All the details swirl together in this kaleidoscope of events. I don't even know how to start explaining it.

But this story is about Roxas. So I'll skip the details and just get to the parts that concerned him.

Because that month was also when Vexen died.

When I killed him.

I really don't have much to say for that. Marluxia was keeping up this hatred for Vexen anyway, and so when he betrayed us to go fight Sora…Marluxia ordered him dead. And who better to carry out the job than myself? A new way to test my loyalty, maybe.

But I knew what was really going on.

You know, I think I would have killed Vexen anyway, even if I hadn't been ordered to. Because what he was planning to do…it would ultimately kill Roxas. And I would never allow that to happen. Ever.

Vexen was going to inform Sora of Roxas's existence.

Bear with me, I know we don't actually exist. But if Sora found out about Roxas…well, I've met Sora. This guy's main goal in life is to find his best friend, Riku, and maybe even save Kairi along the way. He's even laying his life on the line to rescue these people.

So can you imagine what he'd do if he found out that there was someone else, a part of himself? And in the Organization's clutches, no less. He'd stop at nothing to liberate Roxas, even if Roxas himself didn't want to be saved. He'd risk life and limb to _take Roxas away from me_.

And so I killed Vexen before he had much of a chance to do anything, because no one…_no one _will ever take Roxas from me without a damn good fight.

That's when I realized that I loved Roxas. Because you just don't do that much for someone who you only think of as a best friend. Especially not when you're a nobody.

I know it's not romantic. It's not one of those fairy tale love at first sight deals, and it's not something like in the stories about how you figure out how much you'd do for them one day when you stare into their eyes, followed by this romantic kiss and a happily ever after. I actually killed someone for Roxas before I got it. I had to fight for the person I love, and I threw away all sense of morals for him.

And as I looked at Sora's shocked face and heard him scream at me, I just chuckled and portaled out of there. I knew something I hadn't before.

Because I'd always known I really liked Roxas.

Now I knew I really loved him too.

Sincerely,

Axel

Flurry of Dancing Flames

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_____

Roxas,

_Enclosed is a letter I wrote about a month ago, right after I got back from Castle Oblivion. You've been asking me a lot of questions lately…about why. Why I came back alone from that mission. Why I didn't tell you about Sora until a week after I got back. _

_Why I'm hiding something from you._

_I know you're not stupid. You know I'm hiding something. And so this letter seemed like the perfect way to tell you, since I'm just too scared to get the words out myself. _

_The letter isn't addressed to you. I really don't know who I was planning to send it to in the first place. Maybe nobody. Maybe I meant to give it to you all along, but I just wasn't courageous enough to write it __to__ you._

_This letter…it will tell you a lot of things. It will show you some things about my past…that I'd almost rather die than have you see. But I know that's not fair to you at all, and I'm willing to have you hate me in exchange for the knowledge that I've never kept anything from you. That you feel about me how you will because you know everything I've done. Not just the good parts, but the messy ones too. _

_I want to know if you'd still be my friend, even after you find out about everything I've done, and everything I felt._

_Because I just won't lie to you anymore._

_Love,  
__Axel_

_

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_A/N: Another non-AU AkuRoku. Because I just can't seem to get enough of this pairing. Ever.

You know, I'm almost considering adding another chapter to this. Almost. I don't think I will, unless I get this huge wave of reviews telling me to.

This was another one of those stories where it started out as one thing, turned into another, and then at the very end turned into something completely different with a few bits of editing. I started thinking it up when I was in the car after visiting my grandma, and we were still a while from home. I thought up the first and the last line of Axel's first letter and then I made this vague little outline that I didn't follow at all.

So what do you guys think? I'm pretty proud of it.

Akane


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